Lord of the Ring Master

Lord of the Ring Master
 

After blowing my inheritence on bubble gum,  marbles, and baseball cards in a foreign land I returned to my Father's home to find that our horse had not had it's colostomy bag changed in quite some time and was tearing up.  When I entered His bungalow I found him and my 10 Fathers, (all of them toy makers,) slain on the floor, and the Angel Gabriel next to the bones of the fatted calf, with crumbs and blood on His chin.

He handed me a bloody limb and said "aren't you gonna make merry with your friends?"  I looked at the three mice in  fleur-de-lis robes .  I said, "those aren't my friends, but had I known they were members of parliament I'd not have kicked them out of my Father's chair.

He sheweth me a crystal ball and said "despite you having not lost your virginity quite yet, you must climb your Father's beanstalk."  And there He sheweth the wicked witch on a broom stick with an army of business men and beepers heading our way, the army of the damned communist toy makers coming to rape the shopkeepers and steal my Father's toys, for he put them out of business, for they had not the son of man designing their goods.   "Your Fathers made some radical toys.  Those toys they made for the children of the bourbon Kings caused the makers of Fisher price toys to cream in their pants, said He."
 

So I stripped down naked save for cowboy boots, fishnet stockings, and a polkadot tie so that nobody would know I was anything other than one of my Father's highered hands, and I ascended the beanstalk.  When I reached the top I saw a scarecrow and a yellow brick road.  It was then that I realized I was Judy garland in the form of Jesus Christ, called to be the next King Louis of France.



After further reflection it occurred He wasn't a scarecrow at all but a dismembered human being with a pole up his anus and by his merry countenance and the bulge in His trousers He was quite excited to see me.  I spake "you must be the dream interpreter."

(He lost His arms and legs in a duel.  "What is one to do with a wounded earl" said lady Penny Obamasworth, pushing him in shopping cart up and down the streets of Windstead, for she had not her Mother's unbridled fetish for amputees.)

So I shared my dream the Angel Gabriel left me with.  I was on my marriage bed and at the foot of the bed was a large barn mouse seated upon two disproportionately large testicles encompassed in a furrowed Scrotum that he plaintively licked occasionally unleashing a steaming cascade of feces from His chafed Anus.

He stopped licking His sack to peer deeply into my soul and whilst tears didst trickle down His cheek He began to share with me His favorite poems.  "Away thou barren north wind, which witherest my soul, and come gentle gale of consolation, and blow upon my garden, that it's delicate affections will bring forth the odor of fresh figs and ripe almonds"...and He lamented the penance that one goes through on a daily basis when 60% of their body weight is located in their testicles.  He said "Be careful what you pray to Satan for.  In need of courage I asked for the balls that King David had when he stood up to Goliath".

He then lit a candle and began to sing me His songs, and Children from the four corners of the earth put on their finest alcolyte robes and Sunday Finery, because He had a voice like the Son of man on mighty waters (only a few octaves higher), the wisdom of Solomon, and could play the violin like King David.  They twirled, threw pedals hither and thither, lit candles and laid down lillies before His ailing Scrotum, and blessed were all who stood before Him night and day listening to His parables.

The bed then began to rise into the air powered by an engine fueled by Goat feces.  I took off my Bride's wedding dress to discover that she had a bigger phallus than my own.  Her mouth then began to open wider and wider until it was like that of a shark with the teeth to match so I jumped  woke up with that feeling you get when you just had a dream warning you of a future alliance with Israel gone totally wrong.

The dream interpreter responded "The barnmouse was undoubtedly the Antichrist and the children had not had proper catechism lessons so were deceived by His parables."  The rest of the dream you will have to take up with the Angel Gabriel.

I asked him, "do you know where I can find France"?  He said "keep following the yellow brick road".  So I did just that and the first person I met was sister Teresa, the little ninny goat princess of transitional evolution, feminist multitasking, and communist teamwork.

 She wrote 15 books about the rise and fall of Christ Farley and Saint John Belushi.  She wrote another 20 books about the rise and fall of Hiroshima.  She shared with me her new Summa about every question a person could ask about Jim Carrey the Baptizer (Jim the Baptist).

Some said He was Elias, others said He was immortal, but He was neither, and neither was he Jesus Christ...He was the voice of one crying in the wilderness, doing leg lifts and cartwheels with His merry wilderness men, practicing for Vatican gymnastics.  He came forth from the wilderness every year with a jar full of feigning death beetles  to win the international beetle fights when outnumbered 10 to one, and all were amazed by him and thought, "Could this be the Messaiah"?

He went about Judea washing off-colored Jews in the river Jordan, casting out Demons, and healing the multitudes with His blessed oil of Pope Johnny Fontaine.  And He and His Merry wilderness went throughout the west bank dumping their bowls of oil and uncut river Jordan righteousness on Jews and Palestinians alike, and wherever He went people marveled and said "There's no way in Hell this isn't Deutero-Johnnny Ecclesiasticus!", and there was division among them causing many heads to be severed, bodies burned at the stake, and bloody wars over His true nature or whether or not the words and facial expressions of Jim Carrey were of Divine or Satanic origin.

Well, I thanked her and asked where I could find France.  She said keep following the yellow brick road and when you run out of yellow bricks this gift card will buy you some more.  So I bid her farewell and the next stop was at the three fisted yogi.  In one hand he held the hat of Napoleon.  In the other was the French flag.  In the other was the Eiffel Tower.


"What demandest thou untained young Zachary of the scorched Barley field, fruit of the polish horsewhippers womb?  Thou desirest what every man wants?, a pond chock full of gold fish?  A celestial configuration of liquid teaming with life?  Contrived by thee, devised by thee, and ruled by thee?  Every man wants control. 
 

I said, "no actually I was thinking I want Paris".  He said "Paris must come from within.  So many people think they live in Paris but are so far from France they might as well be masturbating in an underpass in Douglass county.  Though I grew up in Haiti, I swear on My Mother's grave I was the most Parisian man on earth before the age of 12."

He handed me a pair of red slippers and had me tap them three times while saying "there's no place like France".  And there I was greeted by the little Bonaparte (His French accent was quite charming.)

It was a pleasure eating many French noodles with him, Queen Josephine, and their page, though when I found out roughly 500,000 able bodied young French men froze to death on his latest campaign to the Holy Land (Russia), I sent him to be Emperor of Haiti, land where broken dreams come true.

So, after spending all night on my knees waiting in vain for the Queen of France to Knight me, I did what any man of prudence would in such circumstances and hired 12 concubines and a hotel.  Not wanting to take the flower of their maidenhood, we did the next best thing which was eat enormous amounts of raw beef, chase it with milk of magnesia, and pass the days and nights urinating, puking, and defecating on each other.

After our romantic rendezvous concluded, I asked them how many goats I owed their Father.  They said "none, we like your sensitive style and couldn't think of a more fruitful and empowering way to spend the weekend".

Shortly after Pope Johnny Fontaine crowned me Emperor and consecrated my Kingship to Saint Michael Jackson (The Andrew Jackson of Archangels.  Andrew Jackson beat those bloody Brittish redcoats with untrained plowmen in the battle of New Orleans, taking out up to 3,000 of them with only 8 American deaths.  Such statistics are so miraculous one must search the Old Testament Scriptures to find their equivalent.  Saint Andrew Jackson has a knob that I'm not even worthy to shine) ...

.....who shows up? but the evil brittish Nanny Mary Poppins on her flying umbrella (A clear abomination against almighty God)!


She gave me three wishes.  "The wisdom of Solomon spaketh I thus."  She gave me that and so much more.  She gat me a thousand male dancers and my female dancers grew to be 1,005 and 1/2 (one of them was dismembered.  A child up to his little tricks no doubt, so we didn't give it any more attention than the little shit deserved).

My parables grew from 500 to 800 in less than 24 hours.  My songs and proverbs grew quite large as well.  She gat me many horses who never lacked children to put their hay and straw in nice places while empowering them with false but tender narratives.

Neither did they lack young maidens who knew not man to ride them hither, tither, and every way the goose doth flap.  

My horn blowers were thousands upon thousands and blessed were all the Jews in prayer shawls and yarmulkes who stood in my hall day and night strumming their stringed instruments , blowing into their instruments of wind, and pounding their instruments of percussion while listening to my parables.
 

I built great phallical structures dedicated to Saint Christopher Reeves (patron Saint of quadrapalegic Supermen)But Loe, even this was vanity and a chase after the wind.  So I had Mary Poppins brought before me and slew the bitch with my Hitler youth group moves that were taught by sister Heinrich Wolfenstein in Fascism for first graders class.It was during our grand Party that I saw Jim the Baptist and spake "Come forth Jim carrey the Baptizer with thy homeless disciples, and pour thy bowls of oil and righteousness upon my peeling head.  We shall melt many candles, burn nauseating amounts of incense, swing thuribles and make merry with so many uproars of laughter that all of Paris will behold it and say "Never has France seen men quite as gay as these."

I even invited the Paris bushmen.  The Queen of Sheba came from afar and said "I see the rumours about your parables are true.  I had to travel here to hear them for myself and am more than satisfied beyond my expectations.  Blessed are all those who stand in your hall day and night listening to your wisdom."

People from all over the world saught out my knowledge of statesmanship, greeneries, perennials, and aboriginal Government economics that I could recite backwards while standing on my head and urinating on my face.  And from all over the world came bashful ackward  Damsels with hard nipples and frightening glances, coming before my throne, eagerly in search of my poems. I never let them leave without satiating them with a pounds worth.

I said wise things like..."Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing for the Devil sheweth up as an Angel of light with the face of Charlie Chaplain (funniest Jew) and the hair and body of Paris Hilton (France's Finest! )
Do not be fooled by this wolf in sheeps clothing.

But being a King isn't always fun as there are many enemies who pit themselves against thy righteousness,  so I rode off to waterloo to sodomize the British and Prussian Empire.  Realizing Wellington had more men and better positions I decided to withdrawl into the wildnerness to do penance and wait for God to annoint me.

Well, after three days of eating rotten wood and rolling in my excrement for the salvation of souls , I was anointed with the ability to control demons and could possess animals to do my will. So I went forth with confidence and returned to camp to find that all my men were dead for I left them under the command of Colonol Christ Farley, a French Canadian who organized the Indians to raid Brittish supply lines in the French and Indian War.  He grew a bit too fond of the peace pipe.

However, since the Brittish are Protestant, it wasn't difficult for me to use my gift to possess them with demons and pit them all against eachother until there was nothing left of Wellington or His army.

Then the clouds parted and a dove landed on my head and said "Behold my beloved son with whom I am well pleased".

 

My Mother had 10 husbands but my biological Father was the odd ball.  He was 7 feet tall and never cut his hair or nails.  Rather than make toys He stayed up in the attic hitting the glass pipe and writting nursery rhymes and children's books.  This was indeed a dove, but still my Dad no doubt.

I told my Dad I was going to conquer London and put an end to all of their abominations and Brittish nannies flying umbrella's hither and thither to seduce children with their spoonfuls of sugar and medicine.

He said, "that is noble of you my son, but are you sure it isn't primarily to compensate for your little penis."

"Well, yeah Dad, that is probably the main reason", said I.

  "Just keep this in mind my son.  I am how and who and what God wants me to be,  and  If I were hung like a horse I wouldn't be able to fly and make merry with my friends."

(He did have a good point.  At the age of 13, I begged God to give me a few inches or I'd start killing cats.  Well, I gave him six months and then missing cat signs began to show all over the city.  I vowed to declare war on all nations and drag as many down with me as I could but he wouldn't relent.  One inch could have saved the lives of so many cats. When Sister Heinrich caught me masturbating, she warned me that if it continued it would cause an earthquake in Haiti.  When it happened I showed no mercy and continued masturbating until I wiped out all of Tokyo.  And now, it is time to destroy the world!)

Captain Ahab, (an interesting man who lost his leg having anal sex with a blue whale) brought me accross the English channel unnopossed, for we used my power over the forces of nature to sink the fleet of Admiral Forest Rump (bastard son of the dead kennedys).  (Captain Ahab saved many whales from the Japanese blubber salesmen and decide to take his love for whales to second base.   It cost him his leg and almost his life stickin it to Moby Dick!)



I raised my staff over London and brought down the 12 plagues of the 12 Polish Ogre whippers. 
who sitteth upon the 12 lamp stands (each bearing the name of one of the 12 tribes of Israel), each holding a bowl of God's wrath.The first Ogre Whipper poured forth His bowl of righteousness upon London and they were infested with illegal immigrants who devoured them of everything, gobbled up their welfare money, converted their churches to mosques, and even ate the 1500 goats of princess Jehoahash.

The Second Pole poured forth his bowl and the land was covered in urine and vomit.  The third poured forth his bowl of righteousness and out of the waters came Dick the Giant to spray them with blood and semen (a thousand furlongs) but still the Brittish would not repent until the 12 plagues of the 12 Polish ogre-whippers had commenced....[to be continued]